new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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