I think im going to throw up on grandma
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
