Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
