I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
