The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
