70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
