I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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