I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
