Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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