Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
