fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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