i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
everyone is single if you try hard enough
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
