I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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