oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
