I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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