News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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