my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
