a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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