i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
