boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
