so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Randomize
