I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
