Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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