Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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