i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
