well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
