I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
