I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
