there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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