Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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