Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
