please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
