Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
