Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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