im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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