Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
