feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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