just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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