I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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