he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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