The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
