I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
