Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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