So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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