my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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