Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There's always time for handjobs
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
