i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
