Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
