Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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