Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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