i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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